The unspeakable has happened. Due to my pent up sexual energy, frustration with everyone in my family and general boredom- I exercised today. I never exercise.

But suprisingly enough, it did help with the extreme amounts of sexual tension coursing through my body right now (having not gotten any action in months and not being a fan of playing with myself). I went for a long walk/jog and it was a good feeling. Sure, nothing like getting laid, but I was huffing and puffing, blood was coursing through my veins and at the end of it my cheeks were flushed and I was in a happy, albeit sweaty mood.

Now heres a little confession- I have only had sex with one guy. It could be more, and part of me is desperate for sex, but part of me just wants to wait for the next guy to be worth it. Anyway, the after-exercise euphoria reminded me of lying in bed next to this boy, huge smiles on our faces, hot and sweaty and flushed, staring at the ceiling and holding hands while we breathed heavily, naked bodies entwined under the covers.

Of course, the first time was not so wonderful. It was cold and awkward and we were on a futon with no blankets to hide our shame (well, my shame). It was my first time, but not his, and it hurt a little and I was nervous and it was... weird. Afterwards I got dressed straight away and sat in silence while he kept asking if I was ok.

He is my favorite of all my boyfriends. He was sweet and so, so nice and very hot. He made me stop cutting myself, he actually made me feel beautiful, when every boy before him had re-enforced my low self esteem. He told his friends about me (even though he's 2 years older and at a different school. Well, he's finished school now). He called me every night and we would talk for hours and hours, lying in bed, talking about how much we missed each other.

We would watch tv, looking at each other out of the corners of our eyes, then when we could wait no more, we pounced on each other, and always ended up fooling around on my bed for hours. I remember the moment when I decided I loved him. I had fallen asleep in bed after a particularly passionate round of sucking/rubbing/licking/grinding/groping, and when i opened my eyes I saw him watching me, smiling. I grabbed him and kissed him as hard as I could and that just got us going again.

We still talk every now and then, but I just realised how much I miss him.